Cultivate Community

In every relationship and community there are times when we will want to persuade another person or community members to see our point of view. 12 Ways to Persuade without Manipulating gives you guidelines for persuading others.

• Honesty is truly the best policy
  It can’t be stressed enough that being honest about what you want is the best way to start influencing your relationship because it creates a no-games way of looking at problems and conflicts.
• Know what you want
  Do you already know what you want? . . . make sure that you have a clear idea of what you want to share with your partner and what you want to achieve as a result.

Have you ever noticed that things that get on your nerves in other people are the things you don't like about yourself? And the things you like in other people are the things you like about yourself? In Understanding Human Relationships, Steve Pavlina explores this aspect of relationships.

I encourage you to experiment to see how your external relationships reflect your internal ones. Try this simple exercise: Make a list of all the things that bother you about other people. Now re-read that list as if it applies to you. If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself. . . .

It can be hard to admit that your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself, but the upside is that your relationship issues reveal where you still need to grow. Consequently, a fantastic way to accelerate your personal growth is to build relationships with others. The more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself.

In her reflections on this post Liz Strauss adds this insight:

When we have a problem or a conflict, we often find ourselves on opposite sides of a line. The problem defines us as we and them, you and I, hero and villain or so many non-intersecting circles. If we make a sincere change with intent to grow, we have just moved outside of our circle. The person on the other side of that line has a new picture, a new response when he or she communicates. Of course he or she will notice, that alone is a change.

A great way to grow a budding relationship and help build community is the fine art of encouragement. In today's world there is little gratitude with looming deadlines, stress, and the feeling you're not quite good enough. David Keong has eight simples way to make someone's day. Here's two of them:

• Show genuine interest. I believe this is by far the most effective way of encouraging others. Let them know you care. Express genuine interest by asking questions. Get them talking. I find the act of talking and thinking can fire up the engines (roar!). With some hope and luck, this can lead to positive action. But don’t be fake about it and don’t go overboard.
• Say “Thank you”. Common courtesy. Good manners. That what this tip is about. It’s only natural to expect a reward after hard work. It’s only natural to thank someone when they do something for you. You can start now. Thank your wife after she cooks a nice meal. Thank your friend for lending you that Stargate DVD. A simple thank you lets others know what they have done is worthwhile and meaningful to you.

No matter how prolific we are, we can all use a little help when it comes to the art of communication. In 5 Tips for Better Communication, you'll learn five practices that are easy to include in your daily communications with friends, family, and co-workers.

• Stay Present. I’ve noticed, though, that when I am present and totally engaged in conversations, I can pick up all the nuances of the conversation.
• Listen Empathically. I remain present throughout the conversation. I suspend comment. I only think about what they are saying until I am asked a question, then I pause and speak. Listening emphatically is about making sure that the other person feels heard.

"So, you want your life to be stressful? Didn’t think so, but it’s amazing how many people consistently apply habits and actions in their daily lives that guarantee stressful results" writes Helgi Páll Einarsson. Stress is a part of our lives, but that doesn't mean we should compound the problem. Although if you do want some added stress, two of Einarsson's recommenations are:

• Attempt to control absolutely everthing.
• Look for satisfaction out there.

Steve Olson has learned 10 things from his 4-year old that all of us need to remember from time to time. These 10 lessons have potential to help you at home, in a board meeting, or dealing with conflict in online forums.

To accept mistakes. Watching my son grow and learn, it became clear that all learning is based on trying something new, making a mistake, adjusting your actions, trying again, repeating until you get the results you desire. That is how he learned to walk, speak, read, write, build lego walls, set up train tracks, jump, run, and pedal. I can’t think of one thing he did right the first time. It is a good thing he has an abundance of sha-hand-show-bo.

To pay attention to little details. When my son was 2, he was pointing in a box and saying, “ate, ate, ate, ate.” I said no you don’t want to eat the box. He said, “no, ate, ate, ate.” I looked in the box and it was empty. I looked at him puzzled. He stuck his face in the box and said, “ate, ate.” I looked again closely. On the bottom of the box, in the corner, printed in a small font was the number 8. He sees things I don’t see, because he pays attention to little things everywhere, like the tiny red dot on the white sheetrock wall he called an “owie.”

It's only the 12th of January, and are you already stressed? Jobs, families, and life in general can be pretty hectic. Then there are board meetings, balancing the budget, and upcoming elections for your homeowners' association. Here are 52 Proven Stress Reducers to help you get through this year. A few of the stress reducers are:

• Practice preventive maintenance. Your car, appliances, home, and relationships will be less likely to break down/fall apart "at the worst possible moment."
• Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.
• Ask questions. Taking a few moments to repeat back directions, what someone expects of you, etc., can save hours.
• Do one thing at a time. When you are with someone, be with that person and with no one or nothing else. When you are busy with a project, concentrate on doing that project and forget about everything else you have to do.