Cultivate Community

"The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be... Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others," said Wilfred Peterson. Justin Hartfield has five ways to start having the right attitude toward yourself so you can build the right kind of relationships with other people.

• Be positive. A negative attitude which can poison your relationships with your coworkers, and indeed the world. Developing a more positive attitude does not mean ignoring hardships or failures. It is simply reframing those difficulties and negative emotions to healthier positive ones.
• Eliminate all judgments. No one is above you and no one is below you. We are all mammals - humans, more distinctly - just trying to get by the best way we know how. Do not believe for a second that there are unwritten 'leagues' or 'classes' which people must adhere to.

Do you feel like you're stuck in a rut? Do you do the same things, see the same people, day in and day out? 10 Old Ways to Learn Something New, not only will give you ideas for learning something new, but several ideas in this article involve meeting other people. Better yet, try one of these ideas with a family member or friend and learn something new about each other.

• Talk To Someone You Are Unfamiliar With. Most of our social circles are limited to people within our same age range or have similar interests. Interacting with these people will not bring you new experiences and opportunities. There are reasons why networking sessions are so strongly recommended. They bring diverse people together who are interested in meeting more people. Each participant gets multiple opportunities to learn something new, either from the speaker or their peers.
• Take a walk. In the absence of the danger of physical harm, try to take a walk around your neighbor hood. You might just discover something interesting that you have missed because you were driving too fast down the road. You might also rediscover neighbors whom who you forgotten exist!

All of us communicate every day with many people: family members, friends, coworkers, employers, and the variety of acquaintances we see each day. As Adrian Savage points out, a lot of the communication skills we read about are not easy to memorize and keep in mind for those times when we really need them. Here are two of his "easily remembered notions to help you deal with relationships better."

Relationships flow along the path of least resistance. If you make it tough for others to relate to you, don’t be surprised if they go elsewhere. No matter how nice, knowledgeable, clever, witty, sexy, or well-connected you are, no one is forced to accept anything beyond the most superficial dealings with you. Besides, there are plenty of other people who are nicer, brighter, wittier, cleverer, sexier, and better-connected than you are. Some of them are probably richer too.

Making moves to meet people where they are works better that hanging around until they come to you. You don’t have to like others and they don’t have to like you, but it’s a nicer world if that’s what happens. You could stand back and wait for everyone to come to where you are, but that’s going to take more time than anyone has on this earth. Making the first move towards friendship and acceptance beats waiting hands down. You’ll never know whether you might find something worthwhile until you make the effort to look for it.

We live in a world that constantly demands things from us all of the time. There are work demands, demands at home, and volunteer demands as well. If you want to make time to get to know your neighbors, and make sure your kids know who you are, then you need to learn how to say no to some of the demands that come your way every day. Leo Babauto has a few tips to help you:

• Know your priorities. Even if you do have some extra time (which for many of us is rare), is this new commitment really the way you want to spend that time? For myself, I know that more commitments means less time with my wife and kids, who are more important to me than anything.
• Don’t apologize. A common way to start out is “I’m sorry but …” as people think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important, apologizing just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm, and unapologetic about guarding your time.

In How Impersonal Is Your Life and Your World?, Lee Iwan makes the observation that

In today’s world it’s so easy to walk away from ideas, behaviours and people who are not like us. We can now live by ourselves, in our own little world, designed by us and just for us. The only problem is, we are social creatures and we do want others in our lives. We have created a dilemma by isolating ourselves.

So how do we start to make our lives and our world less impersonal and get to know people around us?

Simple acts that allow others to let their guard down are all that’s necessary. A smile, a hello or thank-you, a question or comment that initiates a conversation is sometimes all it takes to break the ice.

Relationships are made and created through trust and time. It’s about giving your time, showing interest, and learning. You cannot expect to become best friends with anyone in a week or month, be realistic. You cannot create a meaningful relationship by watching co-workers or neighbors through your window.

Helene Rothschild asks "Are you tired of having upsets with the people in your life? Do you want to learn the art of communication so that you can experience successful relationships with your family, friends, and the people you work with?"

The foundation of building community is the ability to be able to talk to each other and hear each other. Here are some of Rothschild's tips for better communicating to the people around you:

• Ask for what you want instead of telling people what you do not want. For example, "I would like you to calmly tell me what you want," is better than, "Don't yell at me!"
• Understand that communication is sharing opinions and feelings. Avoid debating which is trying to prove right or wrong.
• Avoid mind reading. If you are unclear about any communication, ask for specifics. For example, "How do you mean that? What do you mean?"
• Create win-win situations by brainstorming until both parties are satisfied with the solution. Then work out the specific details to carry out the mutually agreed upon decision.

Spring is here, and there is that universal urge to get your hands dirty. Whether you have a yard, a balcony, or just windows, How to Get a Vegetable Garden in Your Apartment will give you ideas for getting your garden started.

• The garden and backyard may be shared among all tenants, available only to those on the first floor or available to a particular tenant. Check your lease before you assume that you are the only one with access to the backyard. . . . If you share the space with your neighbors, consult them before planting anything as they may have a different vision for the garden. Working with your neighbors to create a backyard garden can help you get to know other people in the building and share costs and labor.
• If your space is really just too limited for plants but you still would like a garden, do some research into community gardens in your neighborhood. Some non-profits and community groups transform vacant lots into gardens where local people can rent plots. These lush urban oases provide a wonderful escape from city life and can give you an opportunity to meet other people in the neighborhood.

Want to encourage your homeowners to get to know each other? In the next newsletter give them ideas for meeting each other and getting together. Ways to Meet Your Neighbors offers a few suggestions.

Encourage them to throw a party for the neighbors around them or even for their floor:

Throwing a party is one of the best ways to get to meet a lot of people at once. A party doesn't have to be overly elaborate, some wine and a few snacks will do the trick. It's really just an excuse to get a bunch of people who might otherwise not associate with each other into the same room and get them talking.

And don't forget the elevator:

An elevator also provides a similar vehicle conversation because you have a few seconds where neither party is going anywhere. Since the amount of time that an average person spends in the elevator is fairly small, you'll likely only get in a few sentences. That's OK, it gives you a good reason to talk to them when you see them again, and if the conversation doesn't go so well, there's a built in excuse to end it.

Listening in this day and age of multi-tasking and constant technological interruption is definitely an art. Reginald Adkins has five tips to help you block out the noise and be an empathetic listener.

• Be non-judgmental. Don’t minimize or trivialize the speakers issue.
• Be Quiet. Don’t feel you must have an immediate reply. Often if you allow for some quiet after the speaker has vented, they themselves will break the silence and offer a solution.

For those of you who are cultivating community by using online forums on your homeowners' websites, Rohit Bhargava has 12 secrets to make those online communities a success.

• Listen to your users.
• Get smart on recruiting.
• Don't lose the fun.